I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize