I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
