So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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