i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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