it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
