I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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