Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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