there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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