She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
How does it feel to date your dad?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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