then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
