he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
