Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
