We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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