Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
