What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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