hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
