I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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