the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
