Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
