Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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