I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
