i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
