She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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