Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
it was like eating out sand paper
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
