i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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