Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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