You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
