I puked a lego.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
