Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I need a beard to bite.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
