To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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