my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize