So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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