one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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