Jerry, you need to find god
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
