i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
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