Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
