Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Never joke about your clitoris.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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