you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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