walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
