i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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