benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
