hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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