So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize