i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
