Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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