remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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