when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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