Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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