I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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