That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
