I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
