R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
