Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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