so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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