you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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