im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
