is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
