We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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