i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
