so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
