i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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