Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
