I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
