After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Come on in and take your pants off
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