i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
