This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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