He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize