If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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