Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
