i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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