when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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