either way he was missing a nipple.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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