Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
