so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
