If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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